what the dark brings

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately.

In my head in the middle of the night, it all makes so much sense.

You can like someone and not love them.

You can love someone and not like them.

You can really know someone and love them and yet - not want to be around them.

You can not know someone at all and want to spend all of your time with them.

In my world, friendships ebb and flow.

I am blessed to have remained friends with people from all aspects of my life.

I love human relationships.

I love making new friends.

I love spending time with old friends.

And yet, sometimes the ones I love the most - I really don't want to be with.  (Ouch)

Wow.

I went there.

I treasure the people in my life far too much to allow my current selfish thoughts to hurt years of priceless friendship.

But I wonder about these relationships.

Can my friends see that I am changing and growing?

I am not the same person.

Everyday I am different.

I feel like everyday I am growing and learning and branching out a little more.  My wings are just starting to spread.

I feel like some of my friends are done with growing and new experiences and doing something just because and will be genuinely happy if they never fly again.

That makes me sad.

There have been many occasions in the past year that have caused me to stop and evaluate friendships.

I have stood up for somethings that the old me would have normally kept quiet about.

Not all of my friends liked it.

And that didn't feel good.

I have made some changes in the way I want to live my daily life.

Not all of my friends like it.

Sometimes it is just easier to bitch and moan all of the time.

I have learned that sometimes it is okay to let some 'friends' go.

And that is tough.

Because I was brought up knowing that we do not throw people away.

And maybe letting a few go doesn't mean I am throwing them away - maybe it means that I am just taking a break.

I want to have my heart and mind open.

I want to surround myself with people that make me better.

I want to share myself with people that love me even when they don't agree with me.

I am thankful for the ones in my life that are willing to take adventures with me and allow me to grow.

I want to be in preschool with the world as my sensory tub.

I want to talk and learn and explore.

I want to laugh.

I want to dance.

I want to love.

I want to be better.

I want to give more than I get and show compassion to all people.

Today, at 42 years old - I think I just might be learning something about who I really am.

And that is some scary shit.