8, 7, 5, 2 and I GO MOMMA.

(Carr 5.)

(6:30am.)

(Made some of them get up SUPER early to take this yearly shot.)

And so here we go. Another first day of school marked off the calendar. The kids were so excited. I am so so so bummed. I don't like it when school starts. I like for my people to be happily riding their bikes, flopping in the pool or just laying on the couch watching the Price is Right.

(8th grader and kid that thinks he is going.)

School makes me sad. I was texting with my friend IRL today and we were talking about how it seems unnatural to send your children away. Don't get me wrong, we love our very special little public school. We feel so fortunate to have our kids in a school that has 354 kids from K-6th grade.

(2nd grader and kid that is trying to sneak in.)

So SBW and I held each other yesterday. And today. I haven't done dishes. I haven't done laundry. We are just moping around waiting for the time to be right and the front door fly open.

(7th grader with sneaky little 2 year old.)

The good news is...they all had a GrEAt first day. Yes they did. And they loved seeing their friends. And they loved having Ding Dongs in their lunch boxes. And they loved coming home and resting on the couch while watching Cake Boss.

(5th grader and the brutha that thinks he is going with her.)

And how 'bout these sweet kids of ours.
2009
2008
2007

Hard to believe that we only have FOUR first days of school with Sam. FOUR. FOUR. FOUR.

Thankful every single day for this little guy. Cause we've got 16 more first days with him. Whew!

These Days

Had a little squeeze time today. Ah, I love these squeezes.

Been cleaning house today. Of course, that means that the house is a bigger mess now. Good thing there is a pool to distract the kids from the mess inside. Hopefully when they grow up their summertime memories will be full of fun in the sun and not stepping over piles of junk.

I guess ya also figured out that I am addicted to hipstamatic. I am sure this addiction will pass soon. If not, there might need to be an intervention.

Goodwill for Goodwill

Our girl is in her first TV commercial with her friends io and Sara. We think it is pretty darn cool. And we think you will too.

The Rain Came Down

Yesterday it was raining. And my heart was breaking into a million trillion little tiny pieces.

Yesterday my Jeff took me to the hospital to have a little procedure to help my body complete the miscarriage process.

Yesterday I cried a lot. I am still crying.

The only thing I have ever wanted my whole entire life is to be a mom. I want to have a million and one (or 6) kids to love every single second. Of every single day.

A few months ago, we started talking about another baby. I say why not have 13 more.

Last Friday I was almost 12 weeks along. I went to the doctor and our sweet, 2 inch baby, had died. No more heartbeat. The heartbeat that we had seen 2 times before was gone.

I cried. And cried.

Ironically enough, this was the only baby that we ever actually tried for. Beautifully enough, it was due on Feb. 22 - the day before our 20 year anniversary.

We had already told the kids. They were so so so excited.

We love our family. Our kids love our family. Another baby is a blessing. More to love.

I screw up a lot of things - money, laundry, recipes, pool cleaning. But I don't screw up love. When I was a little girl, I would lay in bed with my eyes squeezed tight and I would remind myself that every single day I would love my kids with everything that I had. I even wrote letters to them. Thirteen year old me would tell them how much I loved them and that I WANTED them and that they would always always always be safe and always be loved. ALWAYS.

Losing this baby hurts just as much as the other two babies that we've lost.

Losing this baby makes me want to take the other five and not let them out of my sight for the rest of forever.

I know that it will all be okay. It was all okay the other times too.

I don't know if there will be more Carrkids. I think our five are pretty darn fantastic.

I know that we love them. I know that Jeff loves me. And I know that I have the family that I've always wanted. And even if we live on the street, we will be okay because we have each other.

Family.
Our family.

And it is okay to cry.

****************
And a little side note...I wrote this for me. Don't comment. I don't do well with sad puppy dog eyes or condolences or thinking of you messages. I am happy to pretend that everything is perfect all of the time. (I know I should prolly see someone for this.)

Girls

I was watching Ella hang with her buddies this weekend. They would have moments where they acted like kids and played and ran around being silly. Then they'd have moments of maturity- talking with each other, showing compassion toward each other and just being so kind. I don't quite remember what it is like to be 12. That time of life was a little bit jumbled up for me.

I think that when we get to the end of this very strange time of going from being a girl to a young woman, she will come out on the other side and remember that through it all, I still love her.

I am proud of that girl. And I love her so much that it sometimes hurts. I will fight for her until I take my last breath.

I am so thankful to be her mom.

Can I Do This?

This is the view from where I stand.

I stand at the kitchen sink a lot these days.

(Please don't confuse standing with washing dishes.)

The green makes me happy.

There are colors all around.

Looking out and knowing that it is warm out there.

All very very good things.

Maybe I've been hibernating because it was so cold outside.
Maybe I needed a little time and didn't know it.
My grandmother died.
Then it was holiday time.
Then we moved.
And now I am here.

I might be ready to come out again.
I think about this place a lot.

I just haven't been able to get my thoughts together.
I kinda want to though.

Can I do it?
Am I ready?
One thing I know for sure, I'll know tomorrow.

Here we are

2010.

Here we are.

Today I am thinking of my friends. I am reminded of how thankful I am for my friends. My REAL friends. The friends that load up the homemade mashed potatoes with butter and salt and not a single one of us thinks it odd.

The friend that loves our kids when I am a crazy psycho mom during PMS. The friend that still loves me after the crazy pyscho mom episode even though I am a little nutty.

The friends that understand how sad I am because our kids are going back to school tomorrow.

The friends that know the story and still love us.

Oh the friends.
You know who you are.
I love you.