The Rain Came Down

Yesterday it was raining. And my heart was breaking into a million trillion little tiny pieces.

Yesterday my Jeff took me to the hospital to have a little procedure to help my body complete the miscarriage process.

Yesterday I cried a lot. I am still crying.

The only thing I have ever wanted my whole entire life is to be a mom. I want to have a million and one (or 6) kids to love every single second. Of every single day.

A few months ago, we started talking about another baby. I say why not have 13 more.

Last Friday I was almost 12 weeks along. I went to the doctor and our sweet, 2 inch baby, had died. No more heartbeat. The heartbeat that we had seen 2 times before was gone.

I cried. And cried.

Ironically enough, this was the only baby that we ever actually tried for. Beautifully enough, it was due on Feb. 22 - the day before our 20 year anniversary.

We had already told the kids. They were so so so excited.

We love our family. Our kids love our family. Another baby is a blessing. More to love.

I screw up a lot of things - money, laundry, recipes, pool cleaning. But I don't screw up love. When I was a little girl, I would lay in bed with my eyes squeezed tight and I would remind myself that every single day I would love my kids with everything that I had. I even wrote letters to them. Thirteen year old me would tell them how much I loved them and that I WANTED them and that they would always always always be safe and always be loved. ALWAYS.

Losing this baby hurts just as much as the other two babies that we've lost.

Losing this baby makes me want to take the other five and not let them out of my sight for the rest of forever.

I know that it will all be okay. It was all okay the other times too.

I don't know if there will be more Carrkids. I think our five are pretty darn fantastic.

I know that we love them. I know that Jeff loves me. And I know that I have the family that I've always wanted. And even if we live on the street, we will be okay because we have each other.

Family.
Our family.

And it is okay to cry.

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And a little side note...I wrote this for me. Don't comment. I don't do well with sad puppy dog eyes or condolences or thinking of you messages. I am happy to pretend that everything is perfect all of the time. (I know I should prolly see someone for this.)

Girls

I was watching Ella hang with her buddies this weekend. They would have moments where they acted like kids and played and ran around being silly. Then they'd have moments of maturity- talking with each other, showing compassion toward each other and just being so kind. I don't quite remember what it is like to be 12. That time of life was a little bit jumbled up for me.

I think that when we get to the end of this very strange time of going from being a girl to a young woman, she will come out on the other side and remember that through it all, I still love her.

I am proud of that girl. And I love her so much that it sometimes hurts. I will fight for her until I take my last breath.

I am so thankful to be her mom.

Can I Do This?

This is the view from where I stand.

I stand at the kitchen sink a lot these days.

(Please don't confuse standing with washing dishes.)

The green makes me happy.

There are colors all around.

Looking out and knowing that it is warm out there.

All very very good things.

Maybe I've been hibernating because it was so cold outside.
Maybe I needed a little time and didn't know it.
My grandmother died.
Then it was holiday time.
Then we moved.
And now I am here.

I might be ready to come out again.
I think about this place a lot.

I just haven't been able to get my thoughts together.
I kinda want to though.

Can I do it?
Am I ready?
One thing I know for sure, I'll know tomorrow.

Here we are

2010.

Here we are.

Today I am thinking of my friends. I am reminded of how thankful I am for my friends. My REAL friends. The friends that load up the homemade mashed potatoes with butter and salt and not a single one of us thinks it odd.

The friend that loves our kids when I am a crazy psycho mom during PMS. The friend that still loves me after the crazy pyscho mom episode even though I am a little nutty.

The friends that understand how sad I am because our kids are going back to school tomorrow.

The friends that know the story and still love us.

Oh the friends.
You know who you are.
I love you.

Reading and Writing

I have SO much reading to do. SO SO SO much. I recently became a member of something. Funny that I can't remember what it is called for the life of me...hmmmm....

Anyhow, I responded to an 'ad' to be part of a blogger community. This will be a great opportunity for me to get to know more bloggers, for them to know me and for me to voice my opinion on topics of conversation started by my blogger friends and to also initiate conversation.

Boy-o-boy, little did they know when they allowed me to join! I'll have 'em all talking...hee hee hee!

So in the next few days, I'll have my head to the grind stone...er...computer screen. I am getting to know my new blog friends. They are getting to know me. I'll be linking with their sites. And I'll be inviting you to join my community.

Now if only I could remember what it is called...

Thank you cjane and thank you blog frog!

P.S. Wishing I was on the Pensacola Beach right now, hence the picture of our kids at the beach in March.

Lessons from a 7-11 Parking Lot

Last Friday, I sat in the 7-11 parking lot for almost 2 hours. Yes, you read that right, 2 HOURS!!! No, I didn't run out of gas. No, I didn't lose the keys. No, I wasn't having a nervous breakdown.

You see, I was out running errands and the baby fell asleep. I needed to run into the little bill pay place next door to 7-11 to pay the light bill. Sure enough, in the two minutes it took me to get there, he fell fast asleep. So I watched the people walk in and out of the bill pay place until finally, there was no one in line. I jumped out of the car, locked the doors and ran inside. Yes, I could see the car and the baby the entire time. I was in and out in 2 seconds. I know some of you are probably freaking out right now - but I had to do it. He needed to sleep and I needed him to sleep. Once I got the bill paid, I ended up sitting in the car for another 1½ hours. I just didn't want to wake him up. If I came home and tried to bring him in, then he would wake up. If I went to another store parking lot, I'd be tempted to get out and finish running my errands. I didn't want to sit in the car in our driveway either, seems to me like that'd just be dumb. So I did, I sat in the 7-11 parking lot for 2 WHOLE HOURS.

I read a couple of old magazines. I watched people. I am amazed and intrigued by how many people use the Red Box. I am shocked at how many people still drive up to the old school blue mailbox and drop in letters. I stopped counting the number of Slurpees that walked out of the 7-11 when I got into the 50's. I think 7-11 must be making all of their money on Slurpees! Who knew!?!?!

A lot can be learned by watching people for a few hours at 7-11. I got a few hours of quiet and the baby got a much needed nap! It was win-win all the way around!

P.S. Funny how I pride myself in the fact that most nights we sit at the table and eat. Go figure that when I want to capture these family times on film, the gang gives me a good show!

One Month

I haven't been around for exactly one month today. Holy cow. A lot has happened.

I will fill you in on all of the details soon. But first I've gotta share my new favorite picture taken by our awesome friend Whitney. She has a jazzy camera and I asked her to take pictures of the SBW with his soccer field dog friend, Bruno. In the process she got this shot, and I LOVE IT!!! Thank you Whitney, you are the bomb.

I'll be back soon. Keep checking in! You are gonna love what I have to say. Well, maybe not love, but you know what I mean!