Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The band wagon

working at home in the trashy garage and still smiling

A few months ago, Jeff started working from home while his office was relocating.
Yesterday, he had to report to the new office.
And much to my surprise, I am kinda bummed out.

Initially, I was on the 'get my husband outta this house' band wagon.
But in the last few weeks, I have realized that I really like having him here.

Not that we spent all day together - as a matter of fact, he would go into the garage first thing in the am and I would only see him when he walked into the breakroom (kitchen) to get more coffee.

But he was here.

And we could eat lunch together.
And have alone time.

i forgot that people do this every single day
Most of the time I feel like we are two ships passing in the night.
But the last two months we talked more than we have in years.

And it was so nice.

Today when Wyatt and I got home from preschool he walked right into the garage and said 'HI DAD!!!'

He walked into the kitchen with the most pitiful look on his face.

I gotta say, I am right there with him.
Not to mention, we have a commute now.


plus side of commute - new places to take pictures

Monday, April 22, 2013

Car time

I am sitting in the car.
Doors shut.
Windows up.

I am listening to the radio and trying to make a blog post.

There is a kid running around the car banging on it.
It is my kid.

He knocked on the window til I finally put it down.
He wanted to show me the cool stick he found.

I can't resist him.
And I feel like I need the quiet.
My insides have been shaking alot lately and sometimes I feel like I just need to be alone for a minute to hold my breath and make the grownup bullshit go away.

And then when I am alone, I start to freak out again.
Cause I am afraid for the future when there is too much quiet.

It is such a weird feeling to have spent a whole life hating to be alone and then all of the sudden realizing that I need to be alone.

Thank goodness I got this dude to not actually let me be alone during the alone time!

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The Arms

This week I have been keeping a friend's sweet baby while her normal sitter is on vacation. He is 10 months old and such a good baby.

This morning was a bit tough because I was having a hard time figuring out what he needed and he was a little fussy.

I stood up. I sat down. Inside. Outside. Bottle. No bottle. I tried everything and just couldn't get him happy for more than a few minutes.

And then it occurred to me.
It was so simple.
He wanted his mom.
Not me. Not Jeff. HIS MOM.

And I am not her.
I don't hold him the way she does.
I don't smell like she does.
My hair doesn't feel like hers.
My arms don't feel like her arms.
My voice can't soothe his sadness the way hers can.

So I did what any mother of 5 would do, I put him in the car and drove around until he went to sleep.
And as I sat in the car and listened to the soft sweet sounds that can only come from a sleeping baby, I thought about myself.

I wonder who gave me that comfort when I was 1 month, 6 months, 18 months?
I wonder what sounds or tangible items would soothe my cries?

Did I become so accustomed to the sterile surroundings of the orphanage that I was my only comfort?

Could this be why as a 42 year old woman I still long for more babies?
Could it be why I only want to sit and hold all of my children all day long?
And does the fact that as an infant/toddler I had no other human (to speak of) as my comfort have some basis for the issues I have now as an adult?

I wonder.

It is hard to imagine my mom bringing me - a untrusting strange child - home.
And I can't even begin to know or understand how she could never give up on growing me to love and trust her.
And the thought of the patience and unconditional love for a child that no one else wanted - well, that is just enough to send me over the edge.

So I can do this babysitting gig today and many other days.
I will make sure that this baby never ever feels scared or insecure.
Because his momma is coming for him.
And when she does - he will light up brighter than firecrackers on the 4th of July.
Because he - and every child - deserves to know who their people are in this world.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Surround Me With Love

This morning Wyatt was upset because he thought his friends at school would make fun of his shoes because they are hand-me-downs that his brothers and sisters wore. He cried real and big tears.

This afternoon Jena was upset about her teacher saying she cheated on a test and deducting 10 points.

This evening Miles was upset because he was starving and he didn't like what I cooked for supper and he went to bed hungry.

Tonite Ella was upset because it is the last week of the six weeks and she is stressed and overwhelmed and she procrastinates.

Sam spoke between 10-15 words to us today. ALL DAY. TOTAL. COMBINED.

It doesn't end.
Sometimes it really sucks.
I am exhausted.
And I wouldn't change a single thing.
I love these kids so much and I am trying so hard.

As long as they know we love them and they are all I ever wanted.

The days have been long and a bit dark.
I must move forward and surround these people with love.

And in turn surround myself with love.
Every night without fail I close my eyes singing this song from my childhood. It comes out of nowhere and is like a security blanket in the long dark hours.


Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Day dreaming

this is the view as i stand at the kitchen window.
it is a beautiful view.
i am always so thankful that we live someplace so beautiful and natural.
it is such a beautiful and calm place to be.
most especially on days like this where it is rainy and everything is so so green.

someone once asked me if i ever felt like i live in a tree house.
sometimes, i do.

and then i turn to my right and this is what i see.
one and a half days worth of dirty dishes.
calm feeling gone.

and then i look to my left and this is what i see.
3 loads of clean clothes on the table.
800 loads of dirty laundry on the floor.
little boy with a very permanent marker in his hand.
and a dog that hopes these stinky piles of clothes never ever go away.

and i find myself daydreaming.
about the beach.
and the sun.
and vacation.

and somehow i end up spending hours and hours looking through these pictures dreaming of being here again.
with my people.
away from the dishes and the phones and the chaos.

i can hear the laughs.
the seagulls.
the bickering.  (keeping it real, folks)
i can feel the salty wind.
and the tightness of my sunkisses skin after a long day in the happy place.

and then the phone rings and i am brought back.
to the calm place looking out the window.
it is true, vacation is so nice.
but i guess when it comes down to it, it is good to be home.
i love home.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


it all seems so simple.

Monday, April 1, 2013

did someone say bunny?

we had a nice easter weekend.
saturday soccer games and garage sale kept us at home.
it was kinda a bummer to not see our family and it was also a nice change to just stay put.

most of the regulars came over for a little easter shindig on saturday night.
egg hunters
miles made a fantastic tie dye cake.  it turned out so dang good and was loads of fun to make.
i know you want some

we went to church sunday evening.
i thought it was so nice.
although some of the kids don't realize just yet that it was nice.
i think that someday they might look back at this journal of sorts and realize - oh, yeah.  my mom wasn't so mean after all and that church she made me go to was actually pretty cool.

at church they sang songs from handel's messiah.  and they also mixed it up with songs from the Quincy Jones version of handel's messiah.
it was so dang uplifting.

pastor jen spoke about the resurrection and how each day we can chose to resurrect ourselves and make a difference.
it wasn't a long sermon, there was no shouting from the pulpit or guilt trips laid down - but they were very powerful words.

i couldn't help but to cry when jen read from the bible that mary had gone to the tomb and jesus wasn't there.
mary's grief and joy overwhelmed me.

i also got a chuckle as i was reminded of peter denying his friend, jesus.
it is a story as old as time and yet i had to laugh at the relevance it has in my life and in our daughters lives even today.

all and all - it was a fantastic day.