The Soapbox

The other day I was up at the school and a mom acquaintance stopped to talk to me.
The conversation turned into how tough her life is because she works.
I listened.
Nodded.
Smiled.
And never said an ugly word.  (yaye me)

It makes me wonder what people think about our life.
Do they assume that because we have all of these kids and live in the expensive neighborhood so we must be rich?
Do they think that we are rolling in it because our kids play soccer, and do swim team, and art lessons, and take school trips?!?!?
Do they think I just stay home and volunteer at the school and take our youngest to preschool so I can have pedicures and stuff?

I rarely go down this road in public.
I keep my trap shut about our life because it is no one's business.

BUT WTF?!?!?!
I am working 3 jobs.
My sweetie works what seems like 8 million hours a week.

And these are our choices.
We don't complain.  (much)
We don't judge you.

Did you ever once stop to think that I might look like dogshit at the school because I have worked all night and I am trying my hardest to keep doing things during the day for our kids?
Just because I don't show up at pick-up wearing my 'work' clothes doesn't mean that I haven't been working too.
Just because you don't hear me blabbing about racing to the office or to a meeting doesn't mean that I am not just as frantic or tired as you.

Do what you want with your stoopid buckets of money.
And we will keep using our empty buckets to pick up the trash of all of the people that don't give a shit.

But just once, ONCE - stop and listen to what you are saying or complaining about.
Consider who you are talking to.

Every once in a while, take a moment to remember that things aren't always what they seem.
Everyone has problems.
Some more than others.
And some have loads of problems and just choose not to put a billboard on the highway about it.

Have compassion.
Show kindness.

Because it is the right thing to do.

The end.

(wow -where'd that come from?!?!)

The JOY

There are so many things that bring me joy on a daily basis.

The little things.

I often find myself looking at the pictures in my phone and smiling because of the happy things that have been captured.

parking at middle school - oopsie, i'm on the sidewalk

beautiful morning views on the way to school captured by my kids

a woman so moved by both of our presidential candidates that she named her unborn babies after them

neighborly neighbors

chicken on the soccer field

our neighbor dog watching me walk our dogs

clean plates

marquees that call people out

double digitz.

proudly wearing his golden eagle that he earned for integrity

this kid turned ten on sept 26.
can you even believe it?
we have four double digitz kids.
wah.
we had our normal family party.
and since it was a special birthday, he also got to have a party with a few friends.

i took him and his buddies to the real movies - as opposed to the $1 show - and then we went for ice cream at our favorite ice cream store.

mr. jay has been scooping this kid ice cream since he was a baby

i feel so darn thankful that he is such a happy kid.

and especially thankful that he has such good friends.

 



peas and carrots

YAYE FOR TEN!

how i feel as seen through the faces of wyatt

how i feel about cleaning the garage tomorrow to get ready for our big ass garage sale.

how i feel about working long hours this fall to pay for all of the stuff.

how i feel about the thought of doing so many fun things with our family and friends.

how i feel about halloween, thanksgiving and christmas!

how i feel about my life.

50 years

i wish i knew what this young girl thought her life would be

this weekend was my parent's 50th wedding anniversary.
50 years - that is a loooonnnnngggggg time.

even at the end, she still found a way to smile

we decided to go home and celebrate their marriage with her.  she wanted to go to the salsa fest at the miller outdoor theatre.
it was a lot of fun.

although she is alone, she won't ever be alone

i think she liked our attempt to remember the good times.  no matter what the situation, 50 years with the same person deserves to be recognized.
even if it was just 49 years and 10 months.

celebrating the good times

i guess when people get married, we all believe it will be forever.  we want it to be forever.
even though his death was no surprise, i think she had been thinking about her 50th wedding party just like a young girl dreams of their wedding day.

so when she says she wants to spend the morning at the cemetary alone, who am i to question?

just weird

P.S.  feel i should point out, don't think it is weird momma sat at the cemetary.  just weird that he is in the ground.  still hard to believe.

wah

i miss summer.
6:01am.
leaving to take one to run cross country.
then will come back and take the next one to volleyball at 6:40am.
then 7:20 elementary.
then 8:00 high school.
then 9:00 preschool.
then dishes, laundry, bill paying, eating breakfast with my friends, and so on and so on.
then the afternoon shuffle.
then soccer.
then vball game.
then open house.

wah
wah wah
wah wah wah

this fit brought to you by pop-tarts.

busy is a job

 

for wyatt, being the youngest of 5 is the greatest thing ever.

he is the center of attention all of the time.

he always has someone willing to play, get his water and humor him.

 

these days of the big kids going back to school are so hard for him.

he seems to be pretty down in the dumps and asks often 'if it is time to get my big kids yet?'

 

even our regular train ride found him with his head down on the seat in front of us.

(the.whole.ride)

 

sometimes even our favorite things can't help us get out of the dumps

so that leaves me trying to find ways to keep this guy busy until 2:45 and still get some of my stuff done.

he has loaded and unloaded the washer and dryer multiple times.

he has helped me sweep, done errands and has mastered watering the plants on the deck all by himself.

 

i was relieved when i looked out the window this morning and saw him watering.

mastering the big kid jobs

and he was so proud of himself.

 

 

his pre-k will start next week, so that will help a bit.

and until then, i will be very busy finding ways to keep him busy.



the old girl

canela

this is our old dog, canela.
me and this dog have gone rounds and rounds.
she has been through 2 doggie training classes, chewed everything in sight, pee'd all over the house and generally been a pain in my neck.

we got her when she was a puppy and i had four kids under the age of 5.
i have threatened to give her away more times that i can count.

and yet, she is still here.
she is here cause of sam.
i am not sure i have ever seen a kid love a dog more than this kid.

our boy and his dog

and because of him, she has been with us for almost 10 years.

today as i was doing stuff around the house, i realized that i was talking to good ol' canela.
and i started thinking about her.
i has never really crossed my mind that i like this dog too.
she is my companion when everyone else has left me here alone.
i talk to her, pet her, take her outside.

and i am thankful for her.
me and this dog, we have raised these kids.

and she is a good girl.
and when the time comes that she goes to doggie heaven, it will be a sad sad day.
for sam, for alla the kids and most especially for me.
cause i do love her.

10, 9, 7, 4 and home with momma

today was the day.

the day that i dread all summer long.

the first day of school.

 

carr 5

 

 it doesn't ever seem to get any easier to send these kids off to school.

we love our schools and the kids have loads of fun and friends.

but the selfish truth is that i just miss them.

 

almost 16
hard to believe

it seems to get harder each year.

i am becoming more and more aware that our time together is fleeting.

 

our sweet girl so excited and ready for this adventure

thankfully, they have mostly gotten use to my crying.
and i remind them all every year to just say the word and i'll homeschool them.
fortunately, they are pretty darn smart and know that i would probably be the strictest teacher they've ever had!

this one is just ready to be with her friends every single day

i am excited to hear about all of their classes.
i am excited to hear about bus rides for the older kids.
i am dying to know if their lunches were good and if hey had enough food.

who told this boy he could grow up so fast

i took wyatt to ride the train today.
he was sad most of the day and asked about 500 times when his kids would be home.
he rode the train with his head down most of the time.
i don't think he will ever get use to his kids going off to school either.

my buddy

and even though i feel a little bummed, i know that they'll all have a great time.
and that they'll be glad to get to see friends.
and that we are doing the right thing.

and that at the end of the day, they always come home.

p.s. this is first back to school post i ever wrote.  2007 seems like it was a million years ago.

can you hear the sunshine?

these days it is easy for me to forget that the sun is shining.
been sad a lot.
tears come often and hard.

the kids are my constant and welcome companions - even when i wanna strangle them.

i was crying the other day and talking about being so sad that summer is over.
MY time with them is gone.

it is selfish.
i want them with me.

this summer has been just a blur.
and death still weighs heavy on my heart.

these kids are so thoughtful.
so loving.
and they remind me everyday that the sunshine is still coming down.
and they love me.

they helped me make a happy summer clip.

and i am thankful.
enjoy.

born

4 year old party

wow.
my sweet baby wyatt turned 4 last week.
can you even believe it?

i clearly remember feeling so excited when i found out we were pregnant again.

family 4 birfday

i am sure that i had some doubt and worry during the pregnancy, but i sincerely don't remember having those types of feelings regarding this child - only remember being so happy, at ease and filled with pride.

 

family 3 birfday

but this child has changed our lives.
he has been a gift to our family.
each of the kids have a special relationship with him.

family 2 birfday

it is interesting how each of the kids fill a specific need for him.  sometimes i feel a bit bad because he will go to them for help before me or jeff.

and then, i am filled with pride because they love each other and need each other.

big boy 1 party

i have so so so many fun memories of our family when there was 1, 2, 3, and 4 kids.  and it seems like the sweet baby must be in all of them.

 

and yet, he is just 4.

 

yaye for four.

we all love wyatt.

get it girl

ella bella is the first one in

this weekend we took some friends to one of our favorite central texas swimming holes.

jena flies high

i feel like i spend most of my time these days on the banks of the river trying to catch the perfect picture of the kids as they launch from the rope swing.

miles perfects the pencil dive

this weekend was no different.

sam walks on the water

i think i did fairly well capturing the carr cirque du soleil in the beautiful texas water this weekend.


don't try this at home

but i must admit, the kids and i all had a big laugh as we were looking through the pictures.

the squeels of joy and laughter will be in my head forever

guess another patron decided to walk in front of me and adjust her underpants at the exact same time as sam was flying and i was clicking.
howse that for timing?
ha.

excuse me while I cry

one of the only pictures of just
me and my dad

yesterday my back was itchy.
there was no one around to scratch it and i couldn't find my handy dandy back scratcher.

so i leaned up against the corner of the wall and rubbed away.
for a few minutes it felt really great.

and then i realized i was crying.

because my dad always scratched his back on the corner of the wall.
and it was exactly one month since he died.
and i looked at the clock and it was about the same time of day that he took his last breath.

what a bummer.

it has been a weird month and a weird summer.

i guess i'll prolly have a lot of these moments.

which is also weird because i never thought of my dad before when i scratched my back on the corner of the wall.

daddy, momma and carrkids
he died less than 48 hours after this picture

birf

round and round
with love we'll find a way
just give it time

Today is my momma's birthday.
72.

72 and her husband of 49 years and 10 months is dying.

We went to ride the big ferris wheel downtown.
She loves to ride rides.
Ha.
I think she loves to ride rides.
Maybe she just loves the kick that the kids get out of her riding the rides.

I don't know.

It is strange that we left the nursing home and drove downtown crying.
Then we got to the birfday destination and had fun.
(Although she did seem preoccupied.)
And then we got in the car and drove home and we were crying again.

She isn't clear on how long my dad has.
Hospice is coming every day and he is getting the morphine every 2 hours.

God, I hope this doesn't go on for long.

I love being here.
It is nice to be away from home.
And - I AM SO READY TO GO HOME!!!!

The hospice chaplain came to visit him yesterday.
I tried to talk to her tonite about pictures for a photo slide show, who is out of town and needs to be called, what she wants in the eulogy - but she is pretty resistant.
I told her we could go to the funeral home this week to talk about what will happen once the hospice folks contact them that he has passed, she wants to go alone.

I think I might need some of that morphine soon.

I had a brief yet painful conversation with the Manvel girls while sitting in a public restaurant the other night.
I was sincerely appreciative of the knowing glances that I received from across the table.
I think Jeff is glad that someone out there remembers what I remember and can honor the part of me that wants to run and hide.
There are very few that can truly understand the pain and conflicting roller coaster of emotions that come with this loss.

I guess I am still in shock that I am old enough to be going through this.
I am secretly laughing at myself because of my academy award winning performance that makes it seem like I am mature enough to handle this like an adult.
Because I am not.
Mature enough that is.

Really, all I wanna do is scream.
SCREAM.

But I guess that wouldn't do any good.

I feel like I head to the nursing home with things to say, questions to ask, thoughts to share.
And then I get there and can't open my mouth.
The clock is ticking.
I am running out of time.

I can tell that he is tired.
I can see in his eyes that he is sorry.
The words from his mouth are kind and sincere.

So now is my time to hold his hand.
And truly feel the forgiveness.

Man.

And all of this on my momma's birthday.
damn.

P.S.  yes, you get major brownie points if you sang that photo caption.

Fuel for the Carr

I ran out of gas today.
In the pouring rain.
I didn't know the name of the road I was on.
I kinda knew about where I was - kinda.

So I called home.
My mom had a half full gas can.
My Jeff said he would come help me.

While I was waiting, I cried - a lot.
Me and God - we were crying together.

I also sang really loud with the radio.

And then I looked in the rear view mirror and saw my sweet Jeff  pouring in the fuel.

When he was done he tapped on the window and reminded me that he loves me.

So I straightened my face up and drove home.

And I was thankful for that hour in the car.
And I remembered that no matter what, my momma and my Jeff will always take care of me.

And I said a little thank you to God for letting me cry with him today.

The end.

free

I love the 4th of July.

I always have.

parade ready

This year was no different.

There was a great neighborhood parade down BHD.

We all had fun watching the hot dog eating contest.

There was loads of swimming.

the gangs all here

Later in the afternoon, we had a few of the nearest and dearest over.

That made for making more memories and the most delicious food ever.

Then there was more swimming.

cool kid

And we ended the night watching the beautiful fireworks while laying on the hill at Butler Park surrounded by some of the people we love the most.

Carrs 2012

I love the 4th of July.
Happy Birthday, America!