The Rain

I recently read Brooke Shields book about post partum depression. I am moved by her story - or maybe I should say that I am moved about her coming clean. I'll probably never meet her - but if I do, I will tell her that I appreciate her honesty. She is helping people even if she doesn't know it. Miles would say that she has integrity. (Miles told us yesterday that integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching.)

I've been trying my hardest to run away from the dark cloud. I can see it, I can feel it hovering. I am working so hard to stay out from under it, but sometimes the wind blows hard and before I know it, I am under it again. The dark cloud was clamped down on top of me when #2 was born. It was horrible. It latched on and I worked so hard to break free. When #3 and #4 were born, we worked so hard to keep that cloud in the distance. We were successful.

Now for my SBW, that stoopid cloud is hovering again. I love these children more than life. I love my husband more than that. We all take care of each other. We are all safe when we are together.

I don't have feelings of hurting my loved ones. Sometimes I just have the feeling that I need to pack us all up and run. RUN FAST. Sometimes I feel like I can't listen anymore, I can't breathe anymore, I can't do anymore, I can't cry anymore, I can't deal anymore. Not in a jump outta the window kinda way, more in a 'I'm fighting to get to the surface' kinda way. I am under the water and I can see the light and I've just gotta keep swimming to get there. I can do it - I just can't give up.

The doctor knows. We've talked in depth about it. I just feel like if I can get through the next couple of months, then we will have beaten down that dumb cloud.

My sweet JC and I were talking this morning. In the quite of our safe home with our sweet baby sleeping, we were talking. Sharing. Being real. I told him that the photo of the storm cloud over the water park is how I am feeling. I am watching it roll in. I am watching my family laugh and splash and have fun. I am watching it all happen. I know that at these times, instead of watching I need to be participating. Holding, loving, laughing - keeping the rain at bay. And if the rain comes down, then I should be with my people, not standing alone watching it happen.

And you should also know that these dumb dark clouds will not keep me from having another baby. Babies are blessings. These children are my purpose. These children are the hope for tomorrow. Being a mother to these children is all that I ever wanted in my whole life.