birf

round and round
with love we'll find a way
just give it time

Today is my momma's birthday.
72.

72 and her husband of 49 years and 10 months is dying.

We went to ride the big ferris wheel downtown.
She loves to ride rides.
Ha.
I think she loves to ride rides.
Maybe she just loves the kick that the kids get out of her riding the rides.

I don't know.

It is strange that we left the nursing home and drove downtown crying.
Then we got to the birfday destination and had fun.
(Although she did seem preoccupied.)
And then we got in the car and drove home and we were crying again.

She isn't clear on how long my dad has.
Hospice is coming every day and he is getting the morphine every 2 hours.

God, I hope this doesn't go on for long.

I love being here.
It is nice to be away from home.
And - I AM SO READY TO GO HOME!!!!

The hospice chaplain came to visit him yesterday.
I tried to talk to her tonite about pictures for a photo slide show, who is out of town and needs to be called, what she wants in the eulogy - but she is pretty resistant.
I told her we could go to the funeral home this week to talk about what will happen once the hospice folks contact them that he has passed, she wants to go alone.

I think I might need some of that morphine soon.

I had a brief yet painful conversation with the Manvel girls while sitting in a public restaurant the other night.
I was sincerely appreciative of the knowing glances that I received from across the table.
I think Jeff is glad that someone out there remembers what I remember and can honor the part of me that wants to run and hide.
There are very few that can truly understand the pain and conflicting roller coaster of emotions that come with this loss.

I guess I am still in shock that I am old enough to be going through this.
I am secretly laughing at myself because of my academy award winning performance that makes it seem like I am mature enough to handle this like an adult.
Because I am not.
Mature enough that is.

Really, all I wanna do is scream.
SCREAM.

But I guess that wouldn't do any good.

I feel like I head to the nursing home with things to say, questions to ask, thoughts to share.
And then I get there and can't open my mouth.
The clock is ticking.
I am running out of time.

I can tell that he is tired.
I can see in his eyes that he is sorry.
The words from his mouth are kind and sincere.

So now is my time to hold his hand.
And truly feel the forgiveness.

Man.

And all of this on my momma's birthday.
damn.

P.S.  yes, you get major brownie points if you sang that photo caption.

Fuel for the Carr

I ran out of gas today.
In the pouring rain.
I didn't know the name of the road I was on.
I kinda knew about where I was - kinda.

So I called home.
My mom had a half full gas can.
My Jeff said he would come help me.

While I was waiting, I cried - a lot.
Me and God - we were crying together.

I also sang really loud with the radio.

And then I looked in the rear view mirror and saw my sweet Jeff  pouring in the fuel.

When he was done he tapped on the window and reminded me that he loves me.

So I straightened my face up and drove home.

And I was thankful for that hour in the car.
And I remembered that no matter what, my momma and my Jeff will always take care of me.

And I said a little thank you to God for letting me cry with him today.

The end.

free

I love the 4th of July.

I always have.

parade ready

This year was no different.

There was a great neighborhood parade down BHD.

We all had fun watching the hot dog eating contest.

There was loads of swimming.

the gangs all here

Later in the afternoon, we had a few of the nearest and dearest over.

That made for making more memories and the most delicious food ever.

Then there was more swimming.

cool kid

And we ended the night watching the beautiful fireworks while laying on the hill at Butler Park surrounded by some of the people we love the most.

Carrs 2012

I love the 4th of July.
Happy Birthday, America!

hometown heartbreak

Lt. Col. Roy Tisdale

Most of you know that we are from a small Texas town.

That we are proud to be from a small Texas town.

One of the things that makes being from the Manvel/Alvin area so great, is that when something happens to someone from home, everyone rallies.
Last week, something terrible happened to someone from home.
Lt. Col. Roy Tisdale was shot and killed while at work.

This is heartbreaking.

I didn't really know Roy personally, but I knew who he was. He and his wife graduated the year before me and I remember that he was one of the proud wearers of those super cute blue corduroy FFA jackets.

I am also an acquaintance of his wife, Kim. Again - as small towns go, my parents worked with her dad in scouts, her grandparents lived on Jeff's cul-de-sac and so on and so forth...

I can't imagine the pain that this loss has cause their family, their community, their friends.

I have trouble understanding why someone would do something so senseless.
And I have pride.

Pride in our town.

And in our friends.

I so truly hope that the love that is pouring out from our classmates, acquaintances, and people from our town brings comfort to his family.

To so so so many, he will always be a real life hero.

Perhaps they are not the stars,

but rather openings in Heaven

where the love of our lost ones

pours through and shines down upon us

to let us know they are happy.

~Author Unknown

this town

our town as seen through city pool murals

Appalachia Lessons

Sam and Beth
two of the nicest people I know
(don't ya think he looks older and stronger and bigger?)

Our oldest son, Sam, left Austin on June 22 to head to the Appalachian mountains to help repair houses for people in need as part of a work crew for the Appalachia Service Project.

And I have been a wreck about it for months.

It all started in the fall of last year when he said he was interested, decided he wanted to go and signed the commitment form. (yes, I said that HE signed the commitment form)

Fast forward to the spring, and he didn't really want to go anymore and dear old me became enemy number 1.

There were many reasons behind his not wanting to go. Some of them were very very very valid. And none of the reasons had to do with his being unwilling to help others.

I saw these reasons as things he needed to get past. I felt like he was being given a challenge that he could conquer and come out of feeling more confident and having a better understanding of self. These challenges involved conflicts with people - and I did not want him to sit out or miss an amazing opportunity because of a couple people. I truly felt like not going would be letting the bad guys win - again.

blah blah blah - boring mom stuff, i know.

So as the date got closer, thing grew more and more tense. To say that he was very upset with me for MAKING him follow through on his commitment is an understatement.

As we were days away from the trip, I was almost broken. I almost let him skip. I started to have self doubt. And I prayed. And I am not even kidding - I PRAYED HARD. And someway, somehow - I found the strength and stayed strong.

And as he drove away in that van with people that we don't really know, going someplace that we've never been to see things that he has never seen, I almost threw up.

There is no communication on this trip. No phones. No internet.

I have been a wreck. What if this was a huge mistake on my part? What if the personal challenges proved too much and cause him even greater self doubt and hurt?

(Did anyone ever remember to tell me that this mom thing sometimes really sucks?)

And then, out of the clear blue - a kind angel sent me an unexpected message letting me know that all was well. That our kid is fine. That he is a blessing and that they think he is having a ball. And now I can finally breathe again.

I knew it would be okay.

But the relief those few words gave me in truly hard to explain.

I am dying for him to come home.

I hope he will be willing to share with us some of what he experienced.

I know that this trip will change his life.  I believe that it will allow him to see that the world is bigger than just this town and that helping people is one of the greatest things you can do to learn about yourself.

I hope that someday down the road he will see that I am not a mean terrible ogre and that I am trying my hardest to do the right thing.

And that I am proud of him.

And that I love him.

Karen Klein

I have been such an emotional roller coaster these days.
I can't stop thinking about Karen Klein.
I can't understand how these middle school kids could treat another human with such disrespect.
I can't figure out how in the world she could keep her calm and not lash out.

Please - watch the video.
Read the story.
Talk to your kids.

We are better than this.
Our children deserve to be raised better.

The people in our world deserve to be treated better.

I can't give up hope.
I know that there is true beauty and kindness in the world.

I just hope that we are doing the right thing with our kids and that they would stand up for the Karen Klein's of the world.

http://www.indiegogo.com/loveforkarenhklein?c=home