Wednesday, September 30, 2009


My head is full. I've been bouncing all over the place lately with my thoughts. There are times where it feels like my chest will break into a million little teenie tiny pieces if anyone accidentally bumps into me.

I am happy. I feel so loved. I feel like loving so much. Oh these babies. I want to just eat them up. Every single one of them, dirty fingernails and all.

I was driving down the road yesterday and I had a rare moment where a memory from my childhood came rushing into my head. I don't know what the trigger was. Before I knew it, I was in traffic on Lamar crying my eyeballs out. It is a strange thing, our mind.

We have an outstanding new music teacher at our school. He has the kids truly interested in music. This afternoon, I was watching YouTube videos with #2 and #4 - Elvis, Beach Boys, Ella Fitzgerald, Miles Davis, Beatles, Louis Armstrong. We were talking about Elvis and watching him perform in the 'old days' - as the kids like to say. I asked #4 if he remembered a certain song from Lilo and Stitch. He didn't know what I was talking about. It is sad to me that #4 can't remember seeing a lot of the movies that are huge memories for the other kids. When the first four were under 5, we had movie night every Friday after playing at the park. We'd watch all of the kid movies - Dumbo, Jungle Book, Little Mermaid, Toy Story, Lilo and Stitch. It is such a bummer he doesn't remember those sweet sweet times with four under five. So we watched Lilo and Stitch tonight. I think he liked it. I think he really really liked it. It was nice to all be in the living room having that time.

Maybe it was really nice because our bellies were full. I made pork chops, mashed potatoes (from scratch), green beans, corn and super flat rolls. Ugh. I let them rise for almost 4 hours and then they dropped when I put them in the oven. Oh well, they were really yummy flat rolls. :)

In addition to being worried about my own stupid crapola, I've also been worried about my friends. I think a lot about my friends in the middle of the night. I wonder where their hearts are. I hope they know they are loved.

I've also decided that I am done with grown-up problems. I am not done with the grown-ups or listening to the problems, but I just think that sometimes being a grown-up really really stinks. This is a brief list of what is happening to some of the people that we care about - friends getting a divorce, friend having an affair, friend that is trying to come out to the kids, and friend with a serious alcohol problem. One of my very best friends in the whole wide world was battered by her soon to be ex-husband last weekend - oh and that is different than the divorcing friends that I mentioned above. I can't completely let myself think about her being hit by someone that she loved. I can't completely let myself think about the fact that her child was there when it happened. I can't understand why a grown-up would be such a coward and so stupid. I can't let myself go back to the place where I am the child watching the abuse. I just can't.

I received an email that moved me this week. I haven't yet responded. I guess that is another thing to put on the list of things I can't do right now. It was hard to read, but it was good to read. I need to read it really really fast or else the tears take over and I will melt into a pool on the desk. Oh what facebook can do. Oh how I love my cousin. I mean really really love her. Thank you Vivian. I am working on being able to really really hear things from our past. I am taking baby steps, but they are steps.

Vivian sent you a message.

Subject: My First Memory of You

I did not want to share this with everyone. I remember this little toddler girl brought into my grandparents house with burn scars & hurt written in her eyes. Tia Jackie & Tio Manuel said this is our new daughter. I smiled at you, held my arms out to you & you fell into my arms & wrapped yours around me tight. I have always thought of you as special since then. We may not have communicated throughout the years but as long as I know you are still out there, my world is a better place.
Love you,

Oh and on the list of things that I can do, LOOOOVVVVEEEE my husband, LLLOOOOVVVVEEEEEE my kids, be a FRIEND and take my kids to happy hour at Sonic. So there list of crummy things that I can't do - I am winning!

P.S. Oreo is the name of our new kitty.


christy said...

Thanks, I'm crying now.
I'm with you, done with grown up problems.

Antoinette said...


Anonymous said...

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