being born

life of the party

I just got home after being gone for the last four days.
This was my 4th trip home in 21 days.
Our house is quiet.
I have slept in our home 11 of the last 21 days.
Our kids are all snuggled in their beds.
I have slept in my childhood home for 10 of the last 21 days.

Today is my dad's 83 birthday.
What a weird thought.

As we sat with him today trying to help him understand his new home, I thought about my children being born.
Then I thought alot about my dad being born.

He is the oldest of 5 living children.
Both of his parents are deceased.
He has 3 sibilings that are deceased - they all died as infants.

I wonder what my abuela felt on the day that he was born.
I wonder what the conditions were.
I am sure he was born at home.
I have no idea that they had running water or electricity.

But more importantly, I wonder what her hopes and dreams were for him on the day the he was born.

I think about our babies being born.
Just thinking about it makes my eyes fill up with tears.
OUR babies.
MY babies.
I remember the moments and hours after they were born and the feeling of never ever wanting to put them down.
I think about how I held them and thought to myself that I would do everything I could to love them, and protect them and give them the best life has to offer.

But I never thought about them being 83.
In a nursing home.
Where everyone is a stranger.
Even the people that you know.

I am comforted tonight because he knew who I was.
And he knew it was his birthday.
And he told me he wanted to eat pea soup.

I find comfort in the fact that when I had to leave tonite to come to our home, he looked me directly in the eyes and said 'Katharina - don't cry'.

And then I thought about my grandmother.
And how in his mind she is holding him.
And loving him.
And how in the darkest times, it is her that he calls out.

And I know in my heart that nothing can break the bond between a mother and a child.
And I look at my mom and I know that even in her sadness, she is trying to protect me and my brother.
And I look at my children and I know that every single day, I will tell them 100 more times that I love them and that they are the pleasure of my life.
Because I know, that someday - the dark might come for them too.  And although I might not be around anymore, I will still be with them giving them the love and encouragement that they need.
Like my abuela is doing.

For her baby.

That was born today.

In My Head

It has been a great start to the new year.

It has been a tough start to the new year.

My dad has not been home since the beginning of January.

He is pretty sick.

I think he is most likely coming to the end of his 82+ years.

I have been trying to help my mom some during the week.

This is so hard for her.

There are times when I can't look at him because he already looks dead.

And that sucks.

My mom found a fantastic Elder Law attorney that is helping her and our family.
It is amazing how smart these folks are.
And even more amazing is the kindness and customer service that they provide.

It is weird to go to the attorney office and sit in the waiting room knowing that we will be called in to sit behind the big table.  Me, my brother and my mom on one side - attorney on the other.  All three of us holding our breath while we listen to her gently explain what my dad's future might look like.  And giving us a glimpse into how my mom might be able live out her next 20+ years.

And then I go back to the home and watch my mom love my dad and try to take care of him.  Sometimes he is responsive and other times, the dementia takes over every part of his body and he has no idea who she is.  His wife of 50 years.  Gone in  his mind.

My mom has put pictures all over his room.  I wonder what he thinks when he looks at them?  Does he know that we love him?  Does he feel a connection?  Or are we just wall decor?

On good days, he has physical therapy.  The folks that work with these patients are truly angels sent down to care for these elderly folks.  And even though she still works, my mom is there almost everyday to help him take his baby steps.

I don't know what tomorrow holds.
What I do know is that forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself and those around you.
That I can give myself.

And no matter what, we don't throw people away.

I believe in my heart that when the time comes for him to take his last breathe, I will be at peace.
And I will be there with my mom to help her figure out her new life.
And I will come back to my little family and continue to love them every single day.