In My Head

It has been a great start to the new year.

It has been a tough start to the new year.

My dad has not been home since the beginning of January.

He is pretty sick.

I think he is most likely coming to the end of his 82+ years.

I have been trying to help my mom some during the week.

This is so hard for her.

There are times when I can't look at him because he already looks dead.

And that sucks.

My mom found a fantastic Elder Law attorney that is helping her and our family.
It is amazing how smart these folks are.
And even more amazing is the kindness and customer service that they provide.

It is weird to go to the attorney office and sit in the waiting room knowing that we will be called in to sit behind the big table.  Me, my brother and my mom on one side - attorney on the other.  All three of us holding our breath while we listen to her gently explain what my dad's future might look like.  And giving us a glimpse into how my mom might be able live out her next 20+ years.

And then I go back to the home and watch my mom love my dad and try to take care of him.  Sometimes he is responsive and other times, the dementia takes over every part of his body and he has no idea who she is.  His wife of 50 years.  Gone in  his mind.

My mom has put pictures all over his room.  I wonder what he thinks when he looks at them?  Does he know that we love him?  Does he feel a connection?  Or are we just wall decor?

On good days, he has physical therapy.  The folks that work with these patients are truly angels sent down to care for these elderly folks.  And even though she still works, my mom is there almost everyday to help him take his baby steps.

I don't know what tomorrow holds.
What I do know is that forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself and those around you.
That I can give myself.

And no matter what, we don't throw people away.

I believe in my heart that when the time comes for him to take his last breathe, I will be at peace.
And I will be there with my mom to help her figure out her new life.
And I will come back to my little family and continue to love them every single day.