being born

life of the party

I just got home after being gone for the last four days.
This was my 4th trip home in 21 days.
Our house is quiet.
I have slept in our home 11 of the last 21 days.
Our kids are all snuggled in their beds.
I have slept in my childhood home for 10 of the last 21 days.

Today is my dad's 83 birthday.
What a weird thought.

As we sat with him today trying to help him understand his new home, I thought about my children being born.
Then I thought alot about my dad being born.

He is the oldest of 5 living children.
Both of his parents are deceased.
He has 3 sibilings that are deceased - they all died as infants.

I wonder what my abuela felt on the day that he was born.
I wonder what the conditions were.
I am sure he was born at home.
I have no idea that they had running water or electricity.

But more importantly, I wonder what her hopes and dreams were for him on the day the he was born.

I think about our babies being born.
Just thinking about it makes my eyes fill up with tears.
OUR babies.
MY babies.
I remember the moments and hours after they were born and the feeling of never ever wanting to put them down.
I think about how I held them and thought to myself that I would do everything I could to love them, and protect them and give them the best life has to offer.

But I never thought about them being 83.
In a nursing home.
Where everyone is a stranger.
Even the people that you know.

I am comforted tonight because he knew who I was.
And he knew it was his birthday.
And he told me he wanted to eat pea soup.

I find comfort in the fact that when I had to leave tonite to come to our home, he looked me directly in the eyes and said 'Katharina - don't cry'.

And then I thought about my grandmother.
And how in his mind she is holding him.
And loving him.
And how in the darkest times, it is her that he calls out.

And I know in my heart that nothing can break the bond between a mother and a child.
And I look at my mom and I know that even in her sadness, she is trying to protect me and my brother.
And I look at my children and I know that every single day, I will tell them 100 more times that I love them and that they are the pleasure of my life.
Because I know, that someday - the dark might come for them too.  And although I might not be around anymore, I will still be with them giving them the love and encouragement that they need.
Like my abuela is doing.

For her baby.

That was born today.