the ache

A lot has happened in the last 7 days.
Most of which I chose not to share.

The house is quiet now while I do laundry and sob.
I think about the people whose bodies fill these clothes.

My love for them is unwavering.
And yet sometimes it hurts so much that I don't know if I can possibly love any more.

And then the ache inside my heart is forgotten because of a laugh, a smile or the simple question 'will you wipe my bottom.'

These kids.
My heart.

And the icing on the cake of the terrible terrible week - tomorrow school starts.
Someone save me.

How do I keep them here with me forever.
And ever.

Will they ever fully understand how desperately I wanted each of them?
Can they ever know how I have cried for them?

If I have it my way, it will stay deep down inside of me until my end.
So their days can be carefree.

There are so so many ways that I mess up.
I hope I don't look back and realize that I messed up on the love.

I truly believe that no one can ever fully understand the love of a mother.

Line Thoughts

I stopped at 7-11 and let Jena pick out a movie tonite.

We got a text with a free movie promotion, so I figured I should use it.

I had to laugh because about half way through the movie pickin out, there were two people waiting behind her.

I started thinking about my friend in real life and how she might be cussing us if she were standing behind Jena in that line.  Not cause she is a bad person but because she is an organized person.

I have to laugh about things like this.

And appreciate the differences of people.

For me, redbox is on the fly.

I didn't even know you could do it online before you went to the kiosk.

Why would I know that?

My dear organized friend has a plan.

And she figures stuff out in advance.

And she knows what road she is taking to get to that red box.

I don't normally know I am getting a movie until I drive past the machine.

And i usually have to do a uturn to get there.

Neither of us is wrong for how we handle the movie picking.

And we are still best friends even though we approach almost every single situation from a difference direction.

And that is what I love about life.

And friendship.

Why would I want to be friends with someone just like me?

And why wouldn't I give respect to someone that didn't agree with me on any topic - including difference in movie rental.

I am so thankful that we appreciate the differences of life.

And I am thankful to learn new things from my friends on a daily basis.

Even if I don't pre-order my redbox movies.

Line Thoughts

I stopped at 7-11 and let Jena pick out a movie tonite.

We got a text with a free movie promotion, so I figured I should use it.

I had to laugh because about half way through the movie pickin out, there were two people waiting behind her.

I started thinking about my friend in real life and how she might be cussing us if she were standing behind Jena in that line.  Not cause she is a bad person but because she is an organized person.

I have to laugh about things like this.

And appreciate the differences of people.

For me, redbox is on the fly.

I didn't even know you could do it online before you went to the kiosk.

Why would I know that?

My dear organized friend has a plan.

And she figures stuff out in advance.

And she knows what road she is taking to get to that red box.

I don't normally know I am getting a movie until I drive past the machine.

And i usually have to do a uturn to get there.

Neither of us is wrong for how we handle the movie picking.

And we are still best friends even though we approach almost every single situation from a difference direction.

And that is what I love about life.

And friendship.

Why would I want to be friends with someone just like me?

And why wouldn't I give respect to someone that didn't agree with me on any topic - including difference in movie rental.

I am so thankful that we appreciate the differences of life.

And I am thankful to learn new things from my friends on a daily basis.

Even if I don't pre-order my redbox movies.

An Open Letter To Denise

Dear Denise,

 

I can't believe it has almost been two months since we last saw you!  So much has happened since then.  We've splashed and worked and slept and then we drove and drove and drove.

You crossed our minds as we traveled I35 (the road that just keeps giving) to and through your home state.

 

But enough of that mumbo jumbo.

I wanted to share with you my thrill of the day.

You see, I listened to you when we last barged through your door.

Not only did I walk away full of love for you and over a decade of friendship - I was also moved by your Mexican glassware collection.

When you opened your cabinet to show me the many sizes, shapes and colors there on the shelf, I was overcome by the realization that I too can have a little piece of glassware heaven!

 

I listened.

And I learned.

From the MASTER.

So for the last 2 mos, I have been into most every thrift store on the south side of this town, looking for the coveted piece of glass.

 

On the hunt for the vessel of my dreams.

 

And today was the day!

 

 

$1.

Uno.

ONE DOLLAR, BABY!!!

ONE DOLLAR!!!!

 

I still can't believe it.

 

 

So while I do not have enough to serve my family ice cold lemonade while lounging poolside on this hot Texas day, I do have one.

One piece of Mexican glassware.

That brings me joy.

And hope.

And excitement for the future of my Mexican glassware collection.

And all because I listened to the master.

 

 

We hope to see you and your beloved soon.

And we love you.

Kathy

The walls

born in 1784
imagine what life was for Thomas and Mary

It is 1am.

I can't go to sleep.

The house is extremely quiet except for the faint snoring and the sound of fans.

There are 15 people sleeping in this house.

Between the four walls.

One mother with her husband, her 3 boys, the wives and the grandkids.

In the town she considers her hometown and where she has most of her childhood memories.

I didn't recognize until this moment of still and quiet how significant this trip is.

One mom's entire family is together.

Her children are now adults.

It is weird to think that 25 years from now I might be longing to do this same thing with my kids.

Except it might be in Manvel.

With trips to the Confederate cemetery and the Oak Park cemetery.

And maybe a tortilla burger.

And of course some Joe's.

I am actually feeling emotional just thinking of it.

I feel like I am takin it for granted that all of the people that I gave birth to live with me now.

In the big picture, it is such a short amount of time that we will be living together as a family.

These children that I have waited for and wanted my whole life will soon be gone.

I have got to savor every minute.

And I need to take a moment to appreciate the beauty and joy that this trip brings my mother in law.

How Graceland Changed Me

We are on our way to Indiana.

7 Carrs jn the car.

This is an important trip for Jeff's mom.  She has been planning this trip in her mind for years.  She sent us a message a few weeks ago saying that this trip was her lifelong dream.

(First thought - shit, that's some pressure - hope I don't screw this up.)

As it turns out, both of Jeff's grandparents died in the last 18 mos, so this will also be a time to remember and celebrate their lives and spread their ashes.  Big family moments for sure.

Driving to Indiana takes about 20 hours.

We have done if once before when we only had 3 kids.  It is funny to me now that it never crossed my mind to worry about putting 2 toddlers and a baby in the car for a cross the country trip.  I am guessing in about 10 more years I will marvel at the memory of putting 5 kids in the car for 14 days.

So as we drive down the road today my mind is on Graceland.

We stopped for the night in Memphis.  For months I have looked forward to our Memphis day.

I worked up plan after plan trying to come up with my perfect Graceland scenario.  I called the box office multiple times to make sure I had the prices right. And somehow, I never bit the bullet and bought the tickets.

Jeff and I have been to Graceland before.  We have done the whole Memphis thing, but I wanted to do it again with the kids.

So we get to Memphis last night and everyone was tired and wanted to check into the hotel.

And then we go to eat supper and everyone is still tired so we go back to the hotel to hit the hay.

And now, at 7:28am it hits me.  We are out of Memphis.  Driving down I40 on our way to Indiana and I am not going to Graceland.

I know, wah.

I put on my sunglasses to try to hide the stoopid tears.  The kids and Jeff are making fun of me.  They think it is funny and maybe even a little cute.

I am not trying to be cute.

My life will go on even though I didn't get to go to Graceland.

I know that.

I am trying to figure out why it makes me sad.

I got nothing.

I think I am just bummed because I don't know when we will ever be back.

I wanted to have a picture in front of the gate with my kids.

I don't want to live my life in such a hurry to get somewhere that I miss the ride.

Why wouldn't we go back 20 minutes this morning to look at a closed gate that I wanted to see?

Seriously, we are going to drive 11 hours today.  What is an additional 40 minutes?

I guess I don't know what Graceland is teaching me right now.

Maybe it is reminding me to stand up for myself and tell people what I want.  Maybe it is that glaring reminder to not have regret and to live every moment.

Maybe the lesson is to not sweat the small stuff.

I guess what I know for sure is that time in the car is not more important to me than the 5 minutes it would have taken to have a picture of me and my kids standing in front of that gate.

I don't know.

Whoa. Back off, dude.

It is an interesting thing to watch a toddler turn into a kid and see how their personality evolves.

Wyatt is the youngest with 4 very protective older siblings.

He is fast, smart, kind and fearless.

He is a normal, rambunctious kid that can be a freak just like the next guy.

But he doesn't like to be around other kids that are loud, overbearing, or bossy.

We had two meeting at preschool last year because he would hide when 2 of the more 'confident' kids came around.

I am sitting in the chick-fil-a watching him and Miles in the playscape.

They are both doing everything in their power to stay away from the loud screamer kids.

I feel like so many kids don't have personal space boundaries these days.

I would scold our kids if they walked up to a stranger kid and tried to pick them up or hug them.

Somehow the 'confident' kids always seem to make their way to where ours are.

I do not consider myself an introvert and I don't actually know what the typical characteristics are.

But I do know that I don't like to be around people that are making a scene.

I'd say that Jeff is probably an introvert.

And Sam.

And Miles.

And now that I think about it, I guess our girls have a lite touch of it too.

We have some friends that wish there would be kid free plane rides, restaurants and grocery stores.

Maybe my next focus will be to have times set aside for introvert shopping and eating out.

Yeah.

That'll be my platform when I run for Mrs. America.

And since I am perfect, I am sure I will win.