The walls

born in 1784
imagine what life was for Thomas and Mary

It is 1am.

I can't go to sleep.

The house is extremely quiet except for the faint snoring and the sound of fans.

There are 15 people sleeping in this house.

Between the four walls.

One mother with her husband, her 3 boys, the wives and the grandkids.

In the town she considers her hometown and where she has most of her childhood memories.

I didn't recognize until this moment of still and quiet how significant this trip is.

One mom's entire family is together.

Her children are now adults.

It is weird to think that 25 years from now I might be longing to do this same thing with my kids.

Except it might be in Manvel.

With trips to the Confederate cemetery and the Oak Park cemetery.

And maybe a tortilla burger.

And of course some Joe's.

I am actually feeling emotional just thinking of it.

I feel like I am takin it for granted that all of the people that I gave birth to live with me now.

In the big picture, it is such a short amount of time that we will be living together as a family.

These children that I have waited for and wanted my whole life will soon be gone.

I have got to savor every minute.

And I need to take a moment to appreciate the beauty and joy that this trip brings my mother in law.

How Graceland Changed Me

We are on our way to Indiana.

7 Carrs jn the car.

This is an important trip for Jeff's mom.  She has been planning this trip in her mind for years.  She sent us a message a few weeks ago saying that this trip was her lifelong dream.

(First thought - shit, that's some pressure - hope I don't screw this up.)

As it turns out, both of Jeff's grandparents died in the last 18 mos, so this will also be a time to remember and celebrate their lives and spread their ashes.  Big family moments for sure.

Driving to Indiana takes about 20 hours.

We have done if once before when we only had 3 kids.  It is funny to me now that it never crossed my mind to worry about putting 2 toddlers and a baby in the car for a cross the country trip.  I am guessing in about 10 more years I will marvel at the memory of putting 5 kids in the car for 14 days.

So as we drive down the road today my mind is on Graceland.

We stopped for the night in Memphis.  For months I have looked forward to our Memphis day.

I worked up plan after plan trying to come up with my perfect Graceland scenario.  I called the box office multiple times to make sure I had the prices right. And somehow, I never bit the bullet and bought the tickets.

Jeff and I have been to Graceland before.  We have done the whole Memphis thing, but I wanted to do it again with the kids.

So we get to Memphis last night and everyone was tired and wanted to check into the hotel.

And then we go to eat supper and everyone is still tired so we go back to the hotel to hit the hay.

And now, at 7:28am it hits me.  We are out of Memphis.  Driving down I40 on our way to Indiana and I am not going to Graceland.

I know, wah.

I put on my sunglasses to try to hide the stoopid tears.  The kids and Jeff are making fun of me.  They think it is funny and maybe even a little cute.

I am not trying to be cute.

My life will go on even though I didn't get to go to Graceland.

I know that.

I am trying to figure out why it makes me sad.

I got nothing.

I think I am just bummed because I don't know when we will ever be back.

I wanted to have a picture in front of the gate with my kids.

I don't want to live my life in such a hurry to get somewhere that I miss the ride.

Why wouldn't we go back 20 minutes this morning to look at a closed gate that I wanted to see?

Seriously, we are going to drive 11 hours today.  What is an additional 40 minutes?

I guess I don't know what Graceland is teaching me right now.

Maybe it is reminding me to stand up for myself and tell people what I want.  Maybe it is that glaring reminder to not have regret and to live every moment.

Maybe the lesson is to not sweat the small stuff.

I guess what I know for sure is that time in the car is not more important to me than the 5 minutes it would have taken to have a picture of me and my kids standing in front of that gate.

I don't know.

Whoa. Back off, dude.

It is an interesting thing to watch a toddler turn into a kid and see how their personality evolves.

Wyatt is the youngest with 4 very protective older siblings.

He is fast, smart, kind and fearless.

He is a normal, rambunctious kid that can be a freak just like the next guy.

But he doesn't like to be around other kids that are loud, overbearing, or bossy.

We had two meeting at preschool last year because he would hide when 2 of the more 'confident' kids came around.

I am sitting in the chick-fil-a watching him and Miles in the playscape.

They are both doing everything in their power to stay away from the loud screamer kids.

I feel like so many kids don't have personal space boundaries these days.

I would scold our kids if they walked up to a stranger kid and tried to pick them up or hug them.

Somehow the 'confident' kids always seem to make their way to where ours are.

I do not consider myself an introvert and I don't actually know what the typical characteristics are.

But I do know that I don't like to be around people that are making a scene.

I'd say that Jeff is probably an introvert.

And Sam.

And Miles.

And now that I think about it, I guess our girls have a lite touch of it too.

We have some friends that wish there would be kid free plane rides, restaurants and grocery stores.

Maybe my next focus will be to have times set aside for introvert shopping and eating out.

Yeah.

That'll be my platform when I run for Mrs. America.

And since I am perfect, I am sure I will win.

I am all about love

There are times that I just want to punch someone in the throat.
Like hard.
Just turn around and sock 'em good.

wyatt made his own lunch

My kids are nice kids.

Not perfect.

But nice.

Somehow they have managed to attract a few friends that aren't so nice.

Not bad kids, but kids that are not sincere or thoughtful or kind.

I have tolerated these kids.

I have welcomed them into our home.

And there are so many times that I just wanna punch them in their perfectly smug little faces.

it is a breadhouse

I know it is terrible to want to hurt a kid.

Technically, I don't want to hurt anyone.

I just wanna give them enough of my fist to shock them.

And then maybe I will call them a few names and tell them what assholes they are and how they will likely live a sad and lonely superficial life with friends that that have bought.

he ate the whole thing

I have always said that we don't throw away our friends.

A few years ago, someone that claimed to be a friend said something really hurtful to me.

And I was done.

I see this person and I am pleasant, but oh so done.

I have a friend that I lost due to a dramatic breakup and I still think about her and miss being her friend.

I don't want to live my life with regrets and that includes the regret of having people around that are hurtful.

I have to set the example and makes some changes.

And then maybe my girls will be strong enough to do the same.

And then I won't have to go to jail for punching a bitchy asshole kid in the throat.

You don't know me...

I have 5 kids.

I have been pregnant 8 times.

At 42 1/2, I would give my left arm (well, maybe pinky) to have another baby. (Or 5)

A large family is all I ever wanted in this life.

When you read the above statement, you could assume something about me and Jeff - like say that we are Catholic...and pro-life.

I do not post political opinions on social media.

Ever.

I do not comment when you make political statements on social media - whether I agree, disagree or flat out think you are an idiot.

I took my daughter to the state Capitol tonite and we stood strong with Wendy Davis.

When you read the above statement, you could assume something about me and Jeff - like say that we are Democrats - and maybe pro-choice.

If you chose to make assumptions about me or my family based on my fb posts regarding the SB5 debate tonite in the Texas Capitol, then I say shame on you.

I watch the two main sides attack each other regarding basically every single issue.
I watch my friends attack each other, make insensitive remarks, and bully others on social media because they have different political stand-point and can't possibly believe there could be more than one right answer.

I want no part of the hatefulness.

 

Don't criticize me or make assumptions about me, my family or my friends.

Instead, treat me with the respect I deserve.

I am the same person I was yesterday - only better.

I am not judging you.

And you should be ashamed of yourself for judging me.

AND STAY OUT OF MY VAGINA.

There is HOPE

 

Today was day 2 of Carr camp.

YAYE!  Woohoo!!!  YAHOO!!!!

 

campy campers

It has been fun so far.

I am exhausted by the end of the day.

It is hard work worrying about the safety of other people's children.

friends as long as I can remember

Today we went to one of my favorite places.

HOPE Outdoor Gallery is a fantastic venue where street artist and muralist (and many other artists) can do their thing.

he spent loads of time studying many of the pieces

The kids hiked about in the 1 million degree heat and then I let them bust out the spray paint.

 

he liked the guy with the fangs

I am not sure it is okay to spray paint there without permission.

I did send an email to ask - and didn't receive a response.

her fave - and the detail on this eyeball was amazing

So before we left the house today, we sat around the table and talked about what symbol best represents you or something you enjoy?
 

he LOVED these bears

We drew each of their ideas out on a piece of paper and gathered up all of the old cans of spray paint in our garage.

We found a spot that had no art and I let the kids do their thing.

I am really proud because all of the kids had vision and they helped each other.

 

I love that as we were driving away from HOPE today, the kids were in the back of the car having a discussion about how hard spray paint art actually is.

 

I am thrilled because none of the kids had ever done anything like that before.
 

 I feel like they all walked away very pleased with what they created.

And I think we had another successful day of learning from and loving our community.

And ya just can't be that!

Jackson (age 11)
Red, White and Blue Peace Sign
 

Wyatt (age 4)
Eyeball with legs and arms

   

Liam (age 8)
Minecraft face

Jena (age 13)
Music in her heart

Ella (age 15)
Harmony

Will (age 9)
Skylanders Magic Star

 

Susi (age 14)
Hello, my name is...

 

 

Heaven was by the door

Today a friend left some love by our front door.

I knew the bag was going to be there.

I was excited to open it and get my hands on the contents.

I expected to feel the love of my friend as I washed the beauties.

I expected to smile as I popped the first tomato in my mouth.

I did not expect to get a lump in my throat.

I did not expect to feel the tears roll down my cheeks as the juice exploded in my mouth.

And just like that, a Sweet 100 made me feel 10 again.

And made me long for my grandparents.

For late nights of watching Gunsmoke and snapping beans.

Wishing I could wear my Grandpoppy's long sleeve shirt - like I did while cutting the okra.

Longing for the stomach ache because of eating so much garden fresh raw cabbage.

Wishing I could hear my Grandmommy hum Beulah Land while she shucked the corn.

I am thankful that I was lucky enough to come from such an honest, hardworking, family that taught me about the fruit of my labor.

And I am thankful that I have dear friends that share their love with me and help me to feel like a kid again and keep me from forgetting the places I came from and the ones that I love the most.